While I know not many follows my journal and there's plenty like this one out there, I just feel like I need to share this with someone.
In the past, I always thought love was so simple, yet too complicated for me and it wasn't exactly something I wanted to dive into. I was fine on my own, I often thought of myself as an 'Observer' - I watched people around me fall in and out of love, perhaps a bit envious from time to time, but I was determined it wasn't for me to love or fall in love. I'd leave that to the rest of the world, walking down my own path, alone, always on my own.
I mean, why should I become like them? I knew it wasn't so simple at all. There was tons of drama involved, complicated emotions, problems, cheating, lying, deceiving, abusing, demeaning, confusing heartaches and heartbreaks. Why would I want to submit myself to something like that? It was just too inconvenient and I was fine on my own.
I've never had many friends, I don't have anyone right now either. I've been fine without them, I like being alone. I can be myself, do whatever I want, though the loneliness does affect me from time to time, but I pull through and will continue to do so.
But love was definitely not for me, it could stay as far away from me as the distance between us and Pluto and I wouldn't give a damn about it.
And then the inevitable happened. I fell in love with an amazing guy in the early summer of 2010. 3 years after having spoken every day to this wonderfully funny, sweet, kind and simply loving person, I finally met him and my perspective on love was forever changed.
But with good comes the bad, we had a few issues, it stirred the waters, but we kept sailing through the storms, however, sometimes things just don't work out and I learned that the hard way as he jumped ship.
I was heartbroken, crushed like an insect against the windshield. I felt as if the pain would never stop, I had so many unanswered questions, so many things I wanted to say, but in the end, I knew it wouldn't change anything. It was his decision and you can't force someone to stay with you.
Love is fickle, it comes and goes, just like the seasons. I can't tell you how many hours I spent reading about relationship issues, how to get your ex back, guides on how to survive a breakup, hunting for the answer I'll never get. Of course I could just ask him, but risking the answer not being the one I wanted to hear, I'd rather just be left in the unknown and move on.
There's no sense in standing still when the world is still alive and moving on all around you. I started seeing things differently, a whole new 250 shades were added to my vision and I begun to understand that there are just some things we all need to accept.
We often seek to control everything between Heaven and Earth, we often try our best to predict catastrophes before they hit and brace ourselves for impact. It's impossible to predict the exact moment our lives forever will change, it's impossible to figure out why until it actually happens.
The only thing we can control, is how we will move on and what we will take from it.
My first break up made me realize, that just because it didn't work out, doesn't mean it never will. I was so determined that love wasn't something for me, until I felt it and though I got hurt, I'm not going back to saying I won't ever let it back in.
You don't stop making fires because you got burnt, you just keep yourself at a safe distance, while still being able to feel it's warmth.
I've come to a point where I can say that I stand tall and proud and not because I survived my first heartbreak, but because I want to love again.
Love is fleeting, but it has a way of coming back if you let it.
My ex and I still talk, but that's another story, a rather confusing one.